Good etiquette when visiting parents with a newborn baby
Coming home for the first time with a newborn baby is a magical, wonderful experience, but it’s also overwhelming, emotional and challenging. Whether it’s the first or third baby, those first few weeks (and months) are tough. Between the lack of sleep and the constant feeds, a simple shower can feel like a luxury. So when it comes to visiting parents with a newborn baby, what can you do to make sure you’re not adding the pressure?
1. Plan your visit
In a previous life (pre-newborn baby), your friend may have loved you rocking up on her doorstep unannounced, but not today. Don’t be tempted to just turn up. This is NEVER a welcome surprise. You can guarantee that you will arrive just as the new mama has closed her eyes for the first time in 13 hours. Always ring ahead and plan your visit with the new parents.
2. Bring food
As a new parent, feeding yourself gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list and what you do manage to eat is often something quick and easy (beans on toast anyone?). That’s why a homemade Bolognese or lasagne is amazing and so appreciated. If cooking isn’t your thing, bring some nice ready-made meals or even cake. Cake is always a winner (but you will have to make the cuppa to go with it, obvs).
3. Try to resist “correcting” anything
If you’ve had children already, you might feel tempted to “correct” something the new mum or dad is doing, such as the way they’re holding the baby or the way they’re changing a nappy. Try to resist doing this as it can make new parents feel a bit, well, rubbish. I think comments like these are reserved only for immediate family, and even then it can be sensitive. Unless of course, they are openly ranting about being clueless and needing your help, in which case go for it!
4. Don’t visit with a cold
It should go without saying, if you’re feeling even a little bit unwell, re-arrange your visit. Newborn babies are teeny tiny and the last thing they (or the parents) need is a cold or other illness. Stay home, get better and then visit.
5. Don’t be surprised if Mama isn’t very chatty or seems distracted
This is a big one. Don’t expect to be greeted by the same person you spent hours chatting with a few weeks ago. As a new Mum you are extremely sleep deprived and often very distracted with baby (“Are they hungry?”, “Why did they just make that sound”? , “Are they too hot?”) and so having your usual deep and meaningful over a glass of prosecco just isn’t going to happen. Instead, do some jobs around the house, make a cup of tea and just be present.
6. Get stuck in
Speaking of doing some jobs around the house, asking if there’s any jobs that need doing probably won’t get you anywhere. A new mum can’t see much further than the baby in her arms and the sleep in her imagination, so just have a look round and get stuck in. Wash the dishes, put a load of washing in, mow the lawn… anything will help.
7. Don’t bring your own small kids
Your BFF has always loved your kids and adored spending time with them, but those days are gone (for the time being at least). She’s tired, overwhelmed and emotional and your kids are noisy, chaotic and in need of too many snacks. So leave them at home and bring only peace, calm and tranquility.
8. Don’t stay too long
You’ll have to judge this one based on your relationship and how the new parents seem, but don’t expect to stay much longer than half an hour or so. It’s highly likely the new mama will also need to try and nap, take a shower or eat some food. If you can’t help with any of these, take your queue and leave her to it.
Bonus - If the parents have an older child too, why not offer to take them to the park for an hour after your visit? It can be hard keeping an older child entertained when you have a newborn, so it’s really nice to get a guilt-free hour to focus on just you and the baby.
9. Don’t tell her how tired she looks
She knows how tired she looks because she FEELS that bloody tired. She knows she’s got baby sick over one shoulder. She knows her hair hasn’t seen a brush in days. She knows she needs a shower. And no, she isn’t planning on getting dressed anytime soon.
10. Don’t be too honest
You might not think the baby is that cute or you might be shocked by the name, but now is not the time for honesty (is there ever a time for honesty when it comes to a child’s name or appearance?!). So even if the name is a little… unusual and their appearance is a little… unique…. keep your observations to yourself.
